Recently Action News Morning Show in New Orleans featured a series of interviews with locals on how to deal with this serious issue:
Missy Chauvin, moderator: "How to get your best bikini body ever. If there's ever an article title appearing on a magazine's cover during the late winter or early spring that evokes terrors, this is it!
Yes, you may have enjoyed a few snacks over the months, your tan is underwhelming, you have accomplished few of your fitness goals, and all of those possibilities for regrets -- but chill a little, dawlin'! Here's a few local Orleanians with some tips on how to cope."
[Video shifts to each interviewee in turn.]
Clotilde Badeaux: "Start off by loving your body. No one is likely to be as critical of it as you are. As a matter of fact, when guys see you in a swimsuit, they are ready to like!"
Suzette, the Existential Stripper: "I sometimes have this problem despite my profession. My suggestion is to start a deliberate fitness program about the time of Groundhog Day. Of course, you can move to Minneapolis and never have to worry about this at all. Even the strippers there wear long johns."
Madeline the Prophetess: "If you're overly scrupulous about modesty, I suggest that you start off by wearing a jacket or short robe over your swimsuit, and gradually get comfortable baring more. Oh, and to be safe, pray for St. Buffy's* help in overcoming your concerns.
Tina Moreaux: "Often women worry about their caboose. Tell yourself, if Kim Kardashian can flaunt hers on the cover of a magazine, you will pass too."**
Megan O'Connor: "If you see you have a muffin top visible when wearing a cropped top, get a new bikini, preferably in a becoming shade of green. Wearing that shade compares you favorably to Babar the Elephant. And, trust me***, it's less noticeable if you go full throttle wearing a bikini from the start."
Luisa Gomez: "Wear whatever you like; but go with a friend who dresses like a putain! They will notice her instead."
Fiona Carlyle, exercise guru: "The bad news is that you have to reduce sodium and carbohydrate intake, cease to drink alcohol, drink at least eight glasses of water daily, and exercise. Do both the treadmill and weights. Especially do ab crunches."
Missy: "There you have it, folks. Very clearly, New Orleanians are taking their preparations for swimsuit season very seriously, even if it's a few months away and they may be expecting a warm Mardi Gras.
*Patron saint of bikini-wearers; probably not a real saint.
**She didn't break the internet, did she?
***Megan is a member of the local Bar as well as the President of the Daughters of Hibernia.
For some unfathomable reason, some clerks in stores think that they can bulldoze teen girls into making purchases. They know little about human nature. Here's an example of what not to do:
When we were teens, my friend and I were out shopping for makeup together. We decided to go into this store to check if they still were selling the same foundation she liked to use. We were quite happy browsing alone, but a shop assistant approached us and was in our faces.
Assistant: “Hi, girls, found everything you’re looking for?”
Friend: “Actually, I was just wondering if you still had (inexpensive) foundation?”
Assistant: “Oh, you don’t want that. It’s moisturizing.”
Friend: “Yes, I know. I use it a lot and wanted to check if you still had it. I have very dry skin.”
Assistant: “No! You’re a teenager and you have blemishes. Moisturizer will just make your skin even greasier! Come over, I’ll show you our special range for oily skin.”
Friend: “No, it’s fine…”
The assistant literally grabbed hold of my friend’s hand and led her over to their most expensive range of foundation. [!]
Assistant: “Now these will dry out the oil on your skin and stop all those oily spots you have!”
Friend: “My skin isn’t oily. It’s actually really dry. That’s why I have these spots! I just want the foundation I always get. That’s all!”
Assistant: “But you’re a teenager! Teenagers always have greasy skin! And look at you, you’re really spotty! That’s typical teenager symptoms. You NEED to have this foundation!”
Friend: “Actually, we’ll just leave. Those are too expensive for me anyway. Thanks for the… um… help.” She was both mad and crushed.
Assistant: “Don’t walk away from me! You’re spotty! You need this!”
Me: “Thanks, but no…”
Assistant: “Well, you teenagers should get a damned job! At least you’d be able to afford decent makeup instead of the crap you use!”
We left without buying anything. I wonder how successful her selling strategy was on other occasions.