Friday, February 9, 2018

How to Communicate that You Want to "Do It" . . . .

Like clockwork, the demoiselles of St. Cletus's Parish were having their biweekly coffee get-together when Clotilde brought up a tricky question: How to demurely communicate to your boyfriend that you desire a nice roll in the hay? Now everyone knew what she meant; no reference to any visit to the barn or haystack here though it would perhaps be a new adventure! But, still, everyone eagerly waited for the suggestions, even the members of the group who were not really sexually active yet.

Suzette Picou, in her forthright fashion, suggested coming out starkers in front of him. But others demurred; saying that this was too overt and not sporting.

And Clotilde Badeaux confessed, "Once I answered the door for my boyfriend while wearing a see-through nightgown. It turned out to be the U.P.S. guy! But the plus side to it was that he hand-delivered packages to me."

Everyone, including Clotilde, laughed.

Marie D'Aquin said that she communicated desire by wearing her red bra under a sheer blouse. She indicated that worked.

Hilda Walspurgis indicated that, when the Saints won, her husband tended to become amorous. She also commented that he had a brother who lived in Cleveland. The girls connected the dots. So much for Hot in Cleveland.

But in a practical vein, Clotllde Badeaux said, "I just put out a bowl of green M&Ms for when he comes over." (Trading on a belief common among Gen-Xers.)

Missy Chauvin commented, "Isn't that what Van Halen demands before any concert?"

Clotilde corrected, "No, they demand that there should be no brown M&Ms with the dressing room munchies; and that's just so to prove that the promoters read the contract!"

All of the ladies liked this very practical suggestion of putting out green M&Ms. But Madeline piped up, "You can buy a bag of green M&Ms in time for Valentine's Day if you order on-line!"

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

So Who Gives a Damn, Anyway?

Some people from Alabama have a billboard erected in Slidell, LA with the claim that Mobile, Alabama was the original Mardi Gras; hoping to siphon off a few tourists, I guess. Maybe it was; maybe wasn't. We're getting a little trolling from the Yellowhammer State, I guess. Oh well, Mobile has been singing this song for a long time.

But whatever they do in Mobile, they do it in a half-assed way. If you can imagine a purely family-oriented Mardi Gras! And OMFG: they throw Moon Pies there; and boob-flashing is not expected and probably discouraged by the High Sheriff or whoever does the law there.

Here's a little ditty, "In Mobile." 

Two years ago, USA Today had an article listing the ten best Mardi Gras celebrations. The ones in Nice, France, Quebec, and Rio sound like fun.

Actually, some towns in Acadian Country have their own Mardi Gras! They can be fun, and are high octane, too.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Et in Arcadia Ego

There's a noble painting by Nicholas Poussin thus entitled that involves two shepherds and a goddess contemplating a tomb with that inscription. The meaning is straightforward: even in Arcadia, where the natives were said to be happy, there is the presence of death.

Back in 2001, students of Beaver College in Pennsylvania were treated to a surprise: the college changed its name to Arcadia University. Perhaps the re-namers wished to evoke that blessed region of Greece in the name change.

But why?

Juliet observed, "What's in a name?" Well, the old name for Beaver College was too often ridiculed through derogatory remarks pertaining to the rodent, the TV show Leave It to Beaver, or a vulgar reference to the female anatomy.

!950's punch line: "Ward, you were rough on the Beaver last night."

So, effectively, did the college undergo a Brazilian waxing as well as assuming university status?

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Friday, January 12, 2018

How Many Dates Before Sex Is Acceptable?


A Global Dating Survey of 11,000 participants conducted by Time Out in 24 cities asked the intriguing question: How many dates should have occurred before it's reasonable for a couple to couple? That is, to engage in sexual relations?

The bare results indicated that, on the average, people who responded said it was 3.55 dates. Or, as the Time Out 2015 article put it: "mid-fourth date. After the main has been cleared and the crème brûlée arrives."

My thought to this is, "On which planet are these 11,000 participants to be found?" Followed by, "What will the server and other diners think about that particular restaurant uninhibitness?"

Anyway, for the impatient, one-tenth of the respondents in Time Out thought that it was acceptable to end the first date by sharing a bed. Nighty night! No data was provided on how many must occur before couples advance to second or third base, but some of us wonder.

Obviously, particulars about the sample should be intriguing: the ages of the participants, their religious status, the representativeness of the sample.  The statistical devil is in the details, you know!

Part of the process of dating, from the woman's perspective, is to present oneself as desirable. And to avoid the negatives. 

To put it negatively, that means, first of all for most of us is don't dress or act like a slut. 

The first part is relatively straightforward.  The second part involves not appearing "too easy."

But maybe the standards of easiness vary from place to place. What might play in NYC or L.A. might not in Omaha or Duluth.

Of course, I came from a place known for its lack of inhibitions. Some girls I know even wore their Mardi Gras beads to church on Ash Wednesday! (You all know how those beads were come by; they're regarded as trophies for alcohol-based lack of inhibitions.)

But I would say that the going number of dates before sex in the Crescent City probably is at least twelve. At least among people I know who alluded on that topic. Orleanians and prudishness -- sounds like an oxymoron come to life!


Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Coffee Enemas

As a former barista, I remain interested in matters coffee. And, Lord knows, I like the stuff. With chicory or the weak stuff. Espresso, flavored coffees (vanilla or hazelnut particularly), and even decaf!

But I must say that new development has crept unto the scene: the coffee enema! No, this not some excess dreamt up by some wayward University of Tennessee frat boys; this is serious! As a matter of fact, that well-known health expert Gwyneth Paltrow  promoted a $135 set to enable people to detox by giving themselves coffee enemas.

Whoa! What sort of job reclassification might be called for now? The incipient barista has, among other things, to learn the terminology: Americano, Cappuccino, Macchiato, Latté, Frappé, Mocha, and so forth. The making of the coffee drink is relatively straightforward; and delivering it with a smile is a matter of good customer relations.

However, the prospect of seeing a row of bare fannies, whether bare or hirsute, would be tough thing to steel oneself for early in the morning. And, would customers be specific in their requests for their coffee enemas?

"I'll have a mocha enema today; and my partner will have his usual Americano."

"Decaf macchatio, with chicory."

And, importantly, would baristas now have to be licensed, much like chiropractics  or naturopaths?

Friday, January 5, 2018

Must a Performer Assert a Political Stance?

Somewhere, somehow, some of our notions about the secrecy of ballots has been turned on its head. Whether you consider voting to be a right or a privilege, our Founding Fathers have allowed for the secret ballot.  Or, at least, people can cast ballots secretly should they choose to do so.

For popular figures this somehow seems to be different, at least according to 2018 thinking. For example, a recent article took Taylor Swift to task for not revealing her 2016 Presidential election choice, despite her claim to feminism and the presence of an unpopular Presidential candidate, at least in some women's views. Surprisingly, this topic which seemingly stretched it a bit was picked up by others needing something to write about; much like the issue of Taylor Swift's navel a while back. 

However, the consequences of all choices to disclose one's opinion or vote are not equal. For people in some economic circumstances, this can have real-life consequences; sometimes bad. Remember the Dixie Chicks? Well, the lead singer Natalie Maines criticized President George W. Bush on stage, and doing that greatly impacted attendance at their shows or sales of their music. You may wonder why they're no longer heard of. That may be one of the reasons why. Of course, they were also highly overrated, as well; and country music performers naturally come and go.

Haven't boycotts of Chick Fil-A or other companies in response to political position taking meant anything? The fact is, we are strongly divided as a nation; and this is coupled with a lot of intolerance. Therefore, taking any political side is likely to be a poor move, economically. No matter what stance you take, it will piss some people off. Frankly, that also applies to my choice of occupation. 

Also, it could be that a performer might personally decide that getting involved in politics is not an effective use of her or his time and energies.

And -- surprise! Maybe Taylor Swift might simply have enough respect to her fans to treat them as thoughtful persons capable making their individual decisions as to how to vote. Maybe a musical performance need not turn into a bully pulpit. After all, that's not what they paid for!

Here's another thing. Maybe a goal of feminism should be simply to encourage women to do their own thinking and make their own choices; not simply parrot the views of a narrow group of self-appointed opinion-makers!